Sunday, October 20, 2013

Missing home


For the most part, I have not been homesick. But every once in a while I get a deep ache for home. Mainly for my daughter, Shelby. I actually have no home to go back to. I gave it up when I knew I would be leaving the country. Shelby moved to a different state 2 months before I left. So even when I go back to the states, I won't be staying in my home city. I will visit, but will spend most of my time in Shelby's home. Shelby's home. I can't believe I just typed those words. My baby is grown. She is no longer a baby. She has outgrown my lap years ago. It is hard to believe that 22 years ago I was eagerly awaiting her due date. But in Shelby fashion, she was a day late. Tuesday is her birthday. This will be the first birthday  I have missed. And it is making this mama's heart hurt. She is in good hands. My sweet friend whom I've known since college lives in the same city as Shelby. I refer to her as my babymama. :-)  I know Shelby is being looked after, whether she wants it or not. lol.

Looking back on the last 22 years, I can honestly say I wouldn't have done it differently. Having a child outside of marriage was definitely not a good decision, but the things she and I have gone through have helped to shape the person I am now. I cant imagine my life without her. Things have not been perfect. She didn't have everything I wanted her to have. But we never starved, always had a roof over our head and clothes on our backs. There were days I cried out to God in desperation for help raising her. My constant prayer for her was that she would know the love of her heavenly Father and that He would fill the void in her life caused by not having an earthly father.  I was not the perfect mother. I made my share of mistakes. It is my hope that she knows she was loved, wanted, and cherished. From the moment she entered the world, I have loved her and been thankful to be her mama. She has made me proud. Despite some minor learning challenges, she made it through school. The day she graduated was a moment I will never forget. She is now a certified nursing assistant and I couldn't be prouder. She is working hard and living on her own.

Who knew that we would one day be living on different continents? Life is funny that way. As much as I miss her, I wouldn't have it any other way. I know I am where God wants me. Just as she is where God wants her. So, as her birthday approaches, instead of being sad that we are separated, I will choose to rejoice that she is doing well, and that He is watching out for her during my absence. She is, after all, His. I know she is in good hands.

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